College Survival Tip #1: Do Not Underestimate Campus Wildlife

I feel like my header is lying because I haven't actually spoken much about college at all (or boobies, for that matter, but if you take that promise very seriously prepare to be disappointed).  Well, I'm about to rectify that!

Being that I am in my second year in college, I feel like I am totally qualified to be considered an expert on the subject, so I'm compiling a list of college survival tips.  And the first one is right here!  Are you shaking with anticipation yet?

If you're already in college you're probably well into the first few weeks of your school year (in fact, if you're like me, you've probably already had your first taste [or reminder] of that oh-so-bitter little treat called the college exam), so these tips might just be a repeat of things you've already learned on your own.  If you're in high school, then you probably need these tips more because having blueprints to your anti-squirrel fortress will put you way ahead of your peers (but not ahead of the squirrels.  Those little bastards are always prepared.  Always.).  Preparedness is key!  If you're out of college or never went to college then these tips are of no use to you and I don't know why you'd be studying them because you are not going to be quizzed.  Not you, high school kids.  You are definitely getting a quiz.


College Survival Tip #1:  Do Not Underestimate Campus Wildlife

You may be looking at this first tip and wondering why I would find this important enough to put as tip numero uno.  Surely, you may be thinking, there are more important tips that should be placed before this one, like how to steal textbooks without getting caught or how to still look sexy while puking up your tequila shots.  And if you think that then you've already lost.

I'm mainly going to focus on squirrels here because the actual species you might encounter on your average campus will vary from region to region, but squirrels are evil, adaptable little bastards, and where there are trees, there are squirrels.

Now, some of you who haven't yet had encounters with campus squirrels might be scoffing a bit right now.  Surely, you may think, I'm just some city gal who hasn't had much contact with squirrels.  Which couldn't be more far from the truth; not only am I from a tiny rural village (that's right, "village", we're too small to even be called a "town"), but I've met some city squirrels and they are serious business.  I know squirrels.  But I've begun to think that campus squirrels are a breed of their own.

The first thing you need to understand about campus squirrels (and any campus wildlife, really) is that they've become desensitized to people.  Chances are, they're part of a long line of campus critters who were born on campus, left their offspring on campus, and will die on campus.  This ain't their first rodeo.

If you read that and thought "Oh, so they aren't afraid of people?  Cool!  Does that mean I can just walk up to them and feed them out of my hand or give them a loving pat on the head?" you might as well drop out of college right now because this kind of weakness will not be tolerated.  It's true that campus animals aren't afraid of people, but that doesn't mean they're docile.  It just means that they aren't afraid of people.  Meaning, if you fuck with them they won't scurry away while barking non-threateningly.  They will turn around and shank your ass.

There was this boy just minding his own business and walking to class when a squirrel who had a nest in the tree he was walking by threw an acorn at him.  This happens all the time, and most people just sort of ignore it, but this kid decided that "Hey, I'm not gonna let some dumb animal make a mockery of me!".  So he picked the acorn up and threw it back.  End of story, right?  A squirrel, only a small fraction of the size of a fully-grown human, would naturally just scurry higher up the tree and continue barking without risking its own safety, wouldn't it?

No, it wouldn't.  This squirrel ran down the tree, chased that motherfucker down, and bit his ass.  Like, literally took a chomp out of his rear end.  Why?  Because that squirrel wasn't afraid of that dude and it wasn't gonna take his shit.

The difference between you and a campus animal is that you only reside there part of the year.  Even if you have an apartment in town, your home is off-campus.  But the squirrel doesn't leave.  Its home is right here, where you walk to class, where you eat, and where you occasionally throw up out the window.  You are the invader and you are the enemy.  You reside here only because they permit you to reside here.

So respect them, and maybe they won't rise up and murder you.

But squirrels aren't the only animals that make campuses their homes.  So, before you go to school, make sure you know a thing or two about the critters you're going to be sharing your space with ("critters" being "animal species", not "frat boys" in this instance).  For example, on my campus we have a pretty sizable deer population (meaning I run into them when I'm walking to class through the campus woods every morning), which isn't a big deal for me.  But some of the city folk who come down here aren't quite as familiar with a little thing we like to call "rutting season".

And, if you have a campus lake, for the love of god don't eat any fish you catch out of there.  Campus lakes are pretty much 90% beer and pee and the other 10% pure motor oil.  Plus, college kids dump their unwanted pet fish in there all the time.  They once found a piranha in our lake on campus.  True story.

In conclusion, understand your enemy.  Don't feed, pet, pester, or eat the campus wildlife, and we might just all make it out of here alive.